Communication Psychology Self-Help

Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life (Summary)

by Marshall B. Rosenberg

During a workshop, a man stood up and declared, 'You're a murderer!' Most people would react with fear or anger. But Marshall Rosenberg paused, looked past the accusation, and asked, 'Are you feeling furious because you would have liked me to use my resources in a different way?' The man, shocked that he was being understood instead of attacked, broke down in tears. This is the power of listening for the universal human need hidden behind even the most violent language.

Say What You See, Not What You Think

The first step of NVC is to state a pure observation, free from any judgment or evaluation. This prevents the other person from immediately becoming defensive and shutting down the conversation.

Instead of a judgmental statement like, 'You never listen to me,' state a concrete observation: 'In our last three conversations, when I began to share my feelings, you looked at your phone and responded to text messages.' This separates the action from a character attack.

All Anger is a Tragic Expression of an Unmet Need

Behind every negative emotion or aggressive action, from a sarcastic comment to a violent outburst, is a universal human need that isn't being met. NVC teaches us to look past the other person's strategy (their words or actions) to hear their underlying need (for respect, safety, connection, etc.).

A parent yells at a teenager, 'Your room is a disaster! You're so irresponsible!' The parent's strategy is yelling and shaming. Their unmet need is likely for order and cooperation. By focusing on the need, they can find a better way to communicate.

Make Requests, Not Demands

A true request is one where 'no' is an acceptable answer. When we make demands, we create resistance and disconnection. A clear, positive, and concrete request invites cooperation and respects the other person's autonomy.

A demand is, 'You have to stop working late.' This invites a fight. An NVC request is, 'I'm feeling lonely and miss connecting with you in the evenings. Would you be willing to be home by 6:30 PM on two nights this week so we can have dinner together?'

Never Use the Word 'But'

Rosenberg points out that the word 'but' often negates whatever came before it, invalidating the other person's feelings or experience. He suggests replacing it with 'and' to hold both realities as true.

Instead of saying, 'I understand you're tired, but I need you to help with the dishes,' try saying 'I understand you're tired, and I'm feeling exhausted and would appreciate some help with the dishes.' The first creates conflict; the second invites collaboration.

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