Never Split the Difference: Negotiating As If Your Life Depended On It (Summary)
In 1993, two armed bank robbers took three hostages in a Chase Manhattan bank in Brooklyn. The FBI negotiation team was stuck. The lead robber wouldn't talk. Then Chris Voss took the phone. Instead of making demands, he used a calm, soothing, “late-night FM DJ” voice. He didn’t offer a deal. He simply asked questions and repeated the robbers’ own words back to them. Hours later, the lead robber walked out and surrendered, not because of a brilliant compromise, but because Voss had systematically disarmed him with empathy.
Mirroring Is a Negotiation Superpower
Simply repeating the last few words your counterpart says is an incredibly effective way to build rapport. It makes the other person feel heard and encourages them to elaborate, often revealing crucial information without you even having to ask for it.
A student of Voss's was trying to get a better deal from a car salesman who said, 'I just can't offer a lower price.' The student simply replied with a questioning tone, '...can't offer a lower price?' The salesman, prompted by the mirror, paused and then explained why he couldn't, but then immediately offered to throw in free premium floor mats and a service package to make the deal work.
Don't Feel Their Pain, Label It
Tactical empathy isn't about agreeing with the other person's feelings, but about identifying and articulating them. Proactively calling out their fears or objections with phrases like 'It seems like...' or 'It sounds like...' diffuses the negative energy and shows you understand their position.
When negotiating with a client who you know is worried about your high fees, you can start by saying, 'It probably seems like we're very expensive, and you might be worried that you'll pay a lot and not get the result you want.' This 'accusation audit' disarms their biggest unspoken fear and opens the door for a more productive conversation about value.
Trigger 'No' to Get to 'Yes'
Contrary to popular belief, 'No' is not the end of a negotiation; it's the beginning. A 'No' makes the other person feel safe and in control. Voss recommends intentionally triggering a 'no' with a question like, 'Is it a ridiculous idea to...?' to make your counterpart feel empowered to correct you and engage.
Instead of asking a busy executive, 'Do you have a few minutes to talk?', which pressures them into a 'yes' they don't want to give, try asking, 'Is now a bad time to talk?' The answer 'No, it's not a bad time' is a more committed and genuine starting point for the conversation.
Use Calibrated Questions to Cede Control
Never say 'No' to a demand. Instead, use calibrated 'How' or 'What' questions that force your counterpart to solve your problem for you. This gives them the illusion of control while making them confront the reality of their own request.
A kidnapper demands a million-dollar ransom. Instead of saying 'We don't have that,' the negotiator asks, 'How am I supposed to get a million dollars by tomorrow?' This puts the logistical burden on the kidnapper, forces them to think about your constraints, and transforms the demand into a collaborative problem-solving exercise.
