How to Win Friends and Influence People (Summary)
When police cornered the notorious gangster 'Two Gun' Crowley in his hideout, he didn't surrender by saying, 'I'm a killer.' Instead, in a letter he wrote while bullets flew, he penned, 'Under my coat is a weary heart, but a kind one—one that would do nobody any harm.' This shocking self-perception from a murderer illustrates the book's core truth: almost no one, no matter how wrong, sees themselves as the villain. To influence them, you must first understand their world.
The Only Way to Win an Argument Is to Avoid It
Carnegie argues that you can't truly win an argument. Even if you prove your point, you've made the other person feel inferior and wounded their pride, creating resentment. The best way to handle a disagreement is to seek common ground and understanding.
An encyclopedia salesman, Patrick O'Haire, was told by a prospect, 'Your books are useless! I know everything.' Instead of arguing, O'Haire agreed, saying he must have a remarkable mind and that his company needed people like him. He then asked if the man might know one small thing that wasn't in the books. This disarmed the man, turned his hostility into cooperation, and ultimately led to a sale.
A Person's Name Is the Sweetest Sound
Remembering and using someone's name is a subtle but profound compliment. It signals that you see and value them as an individual, not just another face in the crowd. It's the simplest way to make a good first impression.
Jim Farley, Franklin D. Roosevelt's campaign manager, could reportedly call 50,000 people by their first name. Before meeting someone, he'd learn their name, their family's names, and their interests. This personal touch was a key reason for FDR's success; it made people feel personally connected and loyal to the campaign.
Arouse in the Other Person an Eager Want
You can't force people to do anything. The only way to get someone to act is by talking in terms of what they want and showing them how to get it. Frame your requests around their interests, not your own.
A father couldn't get his young son to eat. Nagging and demanding didn't work. He noticed the boy was being bullied by a bigger kid. The father explained that eating his food would help him grow big and strong, strong enough to beat the bully. The boy's eating problems disappeared overnight because the father connected the act of eating to the boy's own intense desire.
Begin with Praise and Honest Appreciation
To change someone's behavior or offer criticism without causing resentment, start by highlighting something positive. It's like a dentist who begins work with Novocain; the patient still gets the drilling, but the pain is numbed.
A construction superintendent, W. P. Gaw, was frustrated that workers weren't wearing their hard hats. Instead of yelling, he approached them with a pleasant tone and asked if the hats were uncomfortable or didn't fit properly. He reminded them that the hats were designed to protect them from injury. The workers began wearing their hats without resentment because he showed concern for them before enforcing the rule.
