Communication Psychology Business

Difficult Conversations: How to Discuss What Matters Most (Summary)

by Douglas Stone, Bruce Patton, and Sheila Heen

You think you're having one conversation with your boss about a missed deadline, but you're actually having three separate, invisible conversations at once. The most important one is the internal dialogue you're having with yourself about your own competenceā€”and this 'Identity Conversation' is where most difficult conversations fail before they even truly begin.

Stop Arguing About Who's Right

Most difficult conversations get stuck in a battle of blame and truth. Instead of trying to prove your point, the goal should be to understand the other person's story and how they arrived at their conclusion. Your goal is to learn, not to win.

Your landlord promised to fix a leaky faucet last Tuesday. It's now Friday and it's still dripping. Instead of arguing about the 'fact' that he's unreliable, a learning conversation explores his story: perhaps he ordered the wrong part and feels embarrassed. You're not excusing the delay, but you're shifting from blame to collaborative problem-solving.

Your Feelings Are the Elephant in the Room

Unexpressed feelings are the real drivers of difficult conversations. Ignoring them is like trying to talk while an elephant stampedes through the room. You must address the feelings directly, without judgment, before you can address the substance of the issue.

A manager is frustrated with an employee's repeated lateness. The surface conversation is about punctuality rules. The real conversation is about the manager's feeling of disrespect and the employee's feeling of being overwhelmed by personal issues. Until those feelings are acknowledged, arguments about the clock will go nowhere.

Every Difficult Conversation Is a Threat to Your Identity

These conversations often shake our sense of self. We worry: 'Am I competent? Am I a good person?' This internal 'identity quake' is the source of our defensiveness and anxiety. Grounding yourself before the conversation is crucial.

A doctor has to tell a patient they made a mistake during surgery. The conversation isn't just about the medical error; it's an internal struggle for the doctor, whose identity as a competent, caring professional is under attack. Their fear isn't just about being sued, but about what this mistake says about who they are as a person.

Ditch 'But' and Embrace the 'And Stance'

The word 'but' invalidates whatever came before it, creating an adversarial dynamic. The 'And Stance' allows you to hold two seemingly contradictory truths at once: your perspective and their perspective, your good intentions and their negative reaction.

Instead of saying, 'I know you worked hard on this, but the conclusion is all wrong,' which dismisses the effort, try: 'I know you worked hard on this, and I think we need to rethink the conclusion.' This validates both the effort and the need for change without creating a fight.

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