Business Management Leadership

The Coaching Habit: Say Less, Ask More & Change the Way You Lead Forever (Summary)

by Michael Bungay Stanier

What if the most helpful thing you can do as a manager is to stop giving advice? Every time you jump in to solve a problem for your team, you're not just creating dependency, you're feeding your 'Advice Monster'—that inner voice that thinks it has all the answers, but is actually robbing your team of the chance to learn, grow, and take ownership.

Tame Your 'Advice Monster'

The biggest obstacle to effective coaching is our deeply ingrained impulse to provide answers and solve problems for others. Stanier labels this the 'Advice Monster.' The first step to becoming a better leader is to recognize this impulse and resist it, staying curious a little longer and rushing to action a little slower.

A direct report asks, 'What should I do about this difficult client?' Your Advice Monster screams, 'Tell them exactly what you did last time!' Instead, you bite your tongue and ask a question like, 'What have you already considered?' This immediately puts the ownership back on them.

Your First Question Should Be 'And What Else?'

The most powerful coaching question is also the simplest. Asking 'And What Else?' (the AWE Question) prevents you from latching onto the first problem presented and pushes the other person to go deeper, generating more options and often revealing the true, underlying challenge.

A team member says, 'I'm overwhelmed with Project X.' Instead of offering solutions, you ask, 'And what else is on your mind about it?' They might then reveal the real issue: 'Well, I'm also worried I don't have the skills to complete it.' This uncovers the root cause, not just the symptom.

Ask the 'Lazy Question' to Avoid Doing Their Work

Managers often create more work for themselves by immediately taking on their team's problems. The 'Lazy Question' — 'How can I help?' — forces the other person to make a clear and direct request, preventing you from assuming responsibility for a problem that isn't yours to solve.

An employee says, 'I'm having trouble with the marketing report.' Instead of saying 'Let me take a look at it for you,' you ask, 'Out of curiosity, how can I help?' They might respond, 'Could you just clarify the deadline?' This is a 30-second task, versus the hours you might have spent 'helping' by taking over the report.

End Every Conversation by Asking 'What Was Most Useful?'

To make coaching conversations stick and reinforce learning, you must anchor the key insight. The final question, 'What was most useful or most valuable for you here?', helps the other person identify and commit to their biggest takeaway, turning a simple chat into a memorable learning moment.

After a 10-minute chat where you've asked a few questions, you conclude with, 'Just to wrap up, what was most useful for you in this conversation?' They might say, 'Realizing I need to have a direct conversation with Sarah instead of trying to work around her.' This verbal commitment makes them far more likely to act.

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