Business Leadership Psychology

Leadership and Self-Deception: Getting Out of the Box (Summary)

by The Arbinger Institute

In the 1840s, a Viennese doctor named Ignaz Semmelweis discovered why so many women were dying in maternity wards: doctors were carrying 'cadaverous particles' on their unwashed hands from the autopsy room. His solution—handwashing—was simple and effective. Yet the medical establishment viciously rejected him. Why? Because accepting his theory meant they had to accept that they were the problem. This is the essence of self-deception: the deep-seated need to be right, even when it's killing our results.

You Put Yourself in 'the Box' Through Self-Betrayal

We get 'in the box' the moment we have an intuitive sense of what's right to do for another person but choose to act against it. This act of self-betrayal forces our mind to create justifications and blame others to make our selfish choice feel right.

You're in bed and know you should get up to help your partner with the crying baby, but you pretend to be asleep. To justify this, you immediately start to build a case against your partner: 'She's always so demanding,' 'I had a harder day,' 'She's better at this anyway.' These justifications are the walls of your new box.

When You're in the Box, You Provoke the Very Behaviors You Complain About

When we see others as objects (obstacles, vehicles, or irrelevancies), they sense it. They react to our blame and negativity by getting into their own box, which creates a cycle of mutual blame where each person's bad behavior confirms the other's negative view.

A manager who sees an employee as lazy (in the box) will micromanage them. The employee, feeling distrusted, disengages and does the bare minimum. The manager then sees this and thinks, 'See! I was right, he is lazy,' completely blind to how their own distrust provoked the very outcome they feared.

Getting Out of the Box Isn't About Changing Your Behavior

Trying to apply new communication 'techniques' while still feeling resentful or seeing people as problems is useless—it comes across as manipulation. The only way out is to have a change of heart and see others as people with needs, hopes, and fears as legitimate as our own.

The book's protagonist, Tom, initially tries to use new management tricks on his team, but because he still sees them as the problem, his efforts fall flat. Nothing changes until he has a fundamental shift and begins to genuinely care about their success, at which point his 'behaviors' naturally align and become effective.

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